Rant…

So someone pissed the fuck outta me yesterday. What is up with “you can’t make a mistake”, well you know what, I can and I will, because everybody does, everyone fucks up, everyone makes a mistake. Especially when you’re being exposed to something for such a long time, you will somehow make a mistake, you will miss something. Because fucking logic says that, once a person’s brain is conditioned to something, it is pretty hard to see it any different.

So here’s a piece of advice, if you want something to be perfect, try to not pressure someone with it, and expect them to stay over till midnight to get a fucking job done. Because if you had at least some brains, you would know that a person can only completely focus on something for a period of time. Yeah, I get it I made a mistake, and I’m sorry for that, but why is it completely okay for someone else to make a something, but me oh no no, it would be a sin to make a single mistake.  I’m sorry but your fucked up logic doesn’t make any sense to me.

It just irks me that people who say they have an extensive experience in the industry are the ones who are ignorant to something as basic as this. Come on, even someone as young as 11 years old is aware of this. So, if you’re going to go on being a bitch, don’t get mad at me when I tell you off. Stop getting on my fucking nerves!

For the record, I think I lost all my respect I had for you.

Black xo 

 

 

Life as I hate it

 

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Photo by Toa Heftiba

 

Well the thing about anxiety is that it kicks in at the weirdest times. Now, I’m sitting at the office, trying to work on some shit that’s due today, but I just can’t seem to get my mind around it.

I fear that my boss hates me because I called in sick yesterday. So now, I can’t seem to concentrate on what I’m doing and instead, I just wish that the earth would break open and swallow me whole, because of the awkward tension -one that I’m imagining of course.

I really just want to go back home, get under the covers, blast some Mayday Parade and lay still. I’m sleepy, my throat feels weird, my mind’s restless, and I’m really just tired of everything.

I should have known that anxiety (I mean do you even call this anxiety) was going to kick in, I really didn’t want to speak to anyone last night, just wanted to detach from everyone around me, just wanted to escape into the world of fiction. I mean I had to literally drag myself out of bed this morning.

Now it’s only 11 am, with about half a day ahead of me, but to be honest, I would give anything to walk out of this place and go somewhere where no one can find me.

Black xo

13 Reasons why: My thoughts

*Let me warn you that this rant may get a little too long. Also, I’m not really going to be discussing if the show was glorifying suicide or self-harm because I’m sure that you’ve read in a million other places.

P.S. There may be spoilers ahead!

I have been meaning to share my thoughts about this show ever since it became such a huge deal, no joke, the show was literally everywhere. But I told myself that I would take a step back after watching it and analyse all the key points before coming to a conclusion. So now it has been almost a month since I finished the entire series, and I did take a deep breath -a lot of deep breaths actually- before writing this. Simply because I didn’t want my bias self to shine through.

Now let’s get down to business.

Let me just say that I am not a big fan of the show- now don’t get your panties in a twist just yet. But do I think that people should watch it? That really depends, now if you’re going through troubled times, depression, anxiety or if life’s simply being a shitball, then don’t watch it just yet. Why? Because the show can be somewhat triggering, at least for me it was. Well, for the rest of you, I think you should, but proceed with caution, some scenes are way too graphic.

Alright, so why am I not a fan of this show? Because I really think Hannah could have prevented some of the major shit that happened to her, like bringing Courtney to her house when she had suspected that someone was peeping in, or not closing the damn blinds the next day. Even going to Bryce’s house, especially after seeing what he did to Jessica.

Now don’t go all “oh-you-don’t-know-what-she-was-going-through” because you’re right, I don’t. But I do know how to stop people from stepping on me over and over again because we’re not new to the saying, once bitten, twice shy. Well, i’m not saying that she could have stopped it all from happening, but doesn’t every single thing count?

But if that’s the case then why do I think that people should watch the show? Because the show had one really good hidden message, every little thing hurts. For all those complaining about how some people didn’t deserve a tape, maybe you’re right, maybe not.  As much as I too believe that they could have portrayed the message in a stronger way, the message that was meant to be conveyed was amazing. Because this is what most people tend to ignore, people assume that everything they do or say is “just a joke”. Well, is it really?

Also, to be honest, I believe- now when I say that I believe, I mean this is what I think–  that when Hannah Baker when to Mr Porter, she had already somewhat made up her mind about killing herself. Now for most of you are who are probably going to go on about this in the comments section, feel free to try to prove me wrong, but like I had said this are just my thoughts on the show and I would love to hear yours!

Black xo

Life temporarily f****** sucks

Alright, so I’m 19, waiting to graduate college with a diploma. Well, the most unbelievable part would probably be the fact that I am currently working full-time at a company, managing projects and also doing a little bit of writing here and there. Well, seems amazing right? Most of you might say that I should be really proud of myself and thankful, especially when there are thousands of people with terrible jobs and some who aren’t even fortunate enough to have a job.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am really grateful, but I’m 19. I want to explore my passion, I want to travel places, I want to have fun, I just want to sit back and plan my life, the future that I want to have and not worry about the projects that I need to send over to clients the next day. This wasn’t how I imagined myself 10 years ago, and this is certainly not how I want to be 10 years from now.

If you’re telling me that life is all about having a fucking job that pays you well, then darling you’re wrong. Because then why on earth do even have passions? Hobbies? What happened to chasing your dreams? What happened to living it?

I love writing, and that’s what I want to do in life, even if it doesn’t pay me well. You know why? Because writing helps me share my unsaid thoughts, all those words that I just can’t seem to get out, writing calms me down.

As much as my boss might say that I’m doing a great job managing projects, I don’t want to do it. I want to scream at them saying “THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO.” and it sucks because I can’t.

When I tell people that I want to quit my job, because it’s not what I want to do, people are too quick to judge me. They say I that should be grateful for what I have. They jump to the conclusion that our generation is “having it too easy”, that we simply don’t appreciate things.

Well excuse my anxiety and depressing thoughts, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend to like some job, just because I’m getting paid for it. I might quit this month or the next because I just can’t sit back waiting for my contract to end, I need a break.

Black xo

Fear?

Back when I was 17, my english teacher gave us an assignment, we were supposed to list down three things that we feared most. Crazy right? I mean, there’s so much shit that I fear. But back then, I couldn’t think of anything. I mean what could I possible fear, and trust me death wasn’t even the first thing in my mind. Like i’m not suicidal or anything, but to be honest I don’t mind dying. Anyways back to topic, so I wrote down 3 of the dumbest things that came to mind, 1 of course was never being able to see one direction live. CRAZY. I can’t remember the other two though, but i’m pretty sure it wasn’t anything legit either.

So we were supposed to go up to her and show her our list, it was meant to be a “secret” between the two of us. Once she was done, she looked up at me asked, “How about losing someone that you love?” I was dumbstruck. I mean who thought about stuff like that right? Didn’t we grow up with happy endings? I mean don’t get me wrong at 17 I am supposed to know that fairy tales are bullshit right? True, but whenever I thought of death, it was myself that I saw and everyone else around me somehow had a protective shield around them.

But if you ask me now, I would definitely say losing someone that I love. It’s unacceptable. Like how could anyone even handle that right. Think about it, when someone dies, they disappear from the surface of earth. You see traces of them everywhere, and you keep going in circles trying to find them, but you can’t and you never will. You have so much left to say, all those little things you share. The memories keep haunting you, their hands on your waist, that goofy smile stretched across their face, the way you used to fool around with each other, the friendship bracelet that now lies deep in your jewellery box.

But you wanna know what’s equally bad, when someone grows apart from you. All those times, you promised each other that you would never leave, that you would always be friends. Were words simply words? Weren’t there any meaning to it? And you know what sucks, the part when you actually realise they’re drifting away, the replies get shorter, the messages get lesser, your talk merely revolves around random things, it’s no more gushing about the guy that you have a crush on, or about that amazing trip they went on with their friends. The person who once felt like family, now feels nothing more than a stranger and you know why it’s awful, because everyone warns you about death, but no one tells you that sometimes, people just leave.

-Black xo

Hate

What is hate to you?
Don’t you think that hate is just another form of love?

But what really is hate? There must be a reason why you hate someone, no?
Be it their attitude, personality; there must be a reason. You can’t really just hate someone because they have a bad vibe or ’cause you just don’t like them. Not liking someone isn’t hatred.

Hatred holds so much more than just a mere dislike. Don’t you think that we often hate someone after they’ve hurt us? And that someone is actually someone? That person was someone whom you once cared about, someone you invested your time in, someone you adore but they fucked up or screwed you over so bad that you find it hard to forgive them?

All the things that you’ve done for them turns out to be nothing, they treat you like you’re nothing and yet, you still adore them. You’ve tried so hard to ignore that feeling but you can’t anymore, so all the love you have for that someone turns into hate. You see how emotions can just change?

You see, when you love someone, there really isn’t a way to un-love them. So all that love that you have for them restored into hate. Hate is a strong word, so is love. Its funny how easy it is for us to say that we hate someone but do we really understand hatred? Have we ever felt so much hate that it feels so suffocating?

God, hatred is so strong of an emotion that it could destroy you both inside out. Do you realise that when you hate someone, you actually keep up with their lives? And god, it hurt so bad that they’re doing so fine without you and its like you’ve never existed in the first place. You might hate them but you still care, so much that its sucking the life out of you because they don’t know that you care and maybe because you don’t even realise that you still care because you thought you hate them. And you do.

So bad that you’re hurting yourself even more so because of that grudge that you just can’t let go. “Forgiveness is a way to happiness, don’t hate, love,” they say. How? If the love you have for that person doesn’t restore into hate then where will all that love go? How can you forgive someone who hurts you so bad? You might say that you have forgiven that someone but you can never truly forgive them.

They said sorry? Oh, they apologised? Can their apologies heal you? Can their apologies bring back the time you’ve invested on them? Can their apologies bring back your trust? Can their apologies bring you back?

blue.